The Totally Pointless Diary of Ciel Phantomhive
by Kira-Lime Orijima
Summary: Repost. Ciel is forced to write in a diary from Sebastian. Oodles of Crack and Hilarity galore. Rated T for our bocchan's filthy mouth.
1. His Master, Coathanger

Hey there. Lime, here. This is a repost of my story on my personal FF account "LimeCrayonify". You might have read it before, so no, I did not steal someone elses story and whatnot. Also, this is an edit, too, in which I shall try to make the chapters much more detailed and longer, too. :) I love you all, and HERE YOU GO~!

* * *

Saturday, January 28

Dear Diary.. or Journal. Whatever.

Sebastian is making me write in one of these stupid things.. He said something about learning how to 'deal with my teenage angst properly' and something about 'being a gentleman'. Of course I wasn't paying attention to this, since I was too busy reading a book titled ''How to make your demon servant's life a living Hell.'' I believe that the story is a well written piece of GARBAGE which I threw in the trash. I only bought it for the torture section, anyway. That's the only thing I need a little touch-up on.

So anyway, I am being FORCED to do this. So this is TOTALLY not my calling.. Isn't it a little weird for a 13 year old to be writing in a d_iary? _Intended for people like _Lizzy? _

Speaking of the bastard, he says that I am getting **chubby.**

**chubby**

**chubb**

**chub**

**chu**

**ch**

**c**

**b**

**bu**

**bul**

**bull**

**bulls**

**bullsh**

**bullshi**

**bullshit.**

Excuse me, but Ciel Phantomhive is not getting CHUBBY! Do you see how fucking scrawny I am?

I could hide next to a coathanger and introduce it as my _sister. _(I think I am going to use him as a human dartboard if he keeps this up.. Not like I haven't done that before.)

I nearly killed my so-called fiancee today, as well. She's a little bastard. My nice white dress shirt has now been colored pink in her stupid attempts to make me girly. As if. Sebastian commented on this, saying that I already dress like a cute little pansy, anyway. Asshole.

Well, hopefully Sebastian doesn't have to make me do this ridiculous task anymore after this.

Signed,

Ciel Phantomhive

P.S. Sebastian, if your reading this, than **you have been warned. **


	2. His Master, Royally Pissed Off

Dear Diary,

Im pretty sure that Sebastian has lost his senses.

He woke me up this morning, and instead of handing me a cup of tea, he hands me a cup of tap water, and a cracker.

When the hell do I eat this?

So after I kindly asked him if he is trying to kill me, he just told me with that evil, **EVIL** smirk of his that I need to watch my calorie intake and just **LEFT.**

**HE LEFT.**

**ON ME. **

**HIS MASTER. **

**FUCKIN' HELL!**

So, I stormed into my office and locked the door, and then started writing a heartfelt thank you letter for Sebastian. When I was finished, I went and slipped it into his jacket when he wasn't looking.

It looked like this:

_Thanks for the breakfast, Sebastian. It was really delicious._

_Say, if you wake up in the morning in a dark room and your covered with blood and you're having trouble breathing, don't worry, my sweet._

_I sold Grell one of your lungs._

_Love, Ciel. _:)

A few seconds later, I heard some screaming.

Success.

_Bug Off,_

_Ciel Phantomhive_


	3. His Master, Spoon Yielding

Dear Diary

Apparently I am not allowed to use or touch anything pointy or dangerous for an entire month. Shit.

Sebastian then bought me something called a dammit doll.

It seems that when I get mad or angry, I am supposed to take my anger out on the doll, not on him.

Which is unfortunate, because I was planning on totally doing what I was planning to do in the letter I gave him.

So anyway, the dammit doll is looking a little.. 'mutilated' at the moment. Today Finny typically murdered the garden, Meyrin broke ALL of my favorite china tea sets and Bardroy made the kitchen explode.

So obviously Sebastian should thank the dammit doll for putting up with me stabbing it with a spoon. Which is pretty hard, considering that I can't use a knife or anything.

I got to go, Sebastian is telling me that one of my tutors is here.

Education is totally worthless.

_Hate, Ciel._

* * *

QUICK NOTE.

I wrote this a long time ago, hence my writing style kinda sucks. So, just to let you know, I do not write like this anymore, really. You can ask Kira. djfoigjiosg.


	4. His Master, Annoyed By Trancy

Dear Diary-

_**I hate that blonde kid, Alois Trancy.**_

He is SO ANNOYING! Also, I think he wants to bear my children.. /shudder

The reason WHY I suspect this is because while he was talking with me about the so-called ''rats'' in London, he had the creepiest look in his eyes.

Like, the ''I-Will-Rape-You-While-Your-Sleeping-And-No-One-W ill-Hear-Your-Cries-Of-Pain'' sort of look.

Also he was wearing those god-forsaken shorts that I believe once belonged to a prostitute in the east end. Seriously, had it ever occurred to him that maybe people would think he WAS a hooker? That kid needs to learn how to wear pants.

Oh, and the dammit doll didn't work.

I snuck into Sebastian's room while he was 'sleeping', and tried to snip a little piece of hair so it could maybe smell and look like Sebastian a little, (Okay, I admit it, Sebastian smells fucking delicious) and he woke up with a look of total terror on his face.

Now he has made me swore not to try to make his life miserable for an entire month, which is even as bad as the dammit doll.

Sebastian, if your reading this I swear your trying to kill me. And by the way, I am considering buying a puppy when the month is over.

-Ciel Phantomhive


End file.
